And then it hit me...

Thinking back to about 10 months ago: I was in my last "fall semester" of college and I had no idea what I was going to do post-graduation. Was I to go back home and find a job, go pursue my passion for being an actress, or stay in Tallahassee and intern with my campus ministry? I remember praying and crying and praying again that God would just give me a clear-cut, burning bush response about what He wanted me to do-which the path He wanted me to take. But I never really got any written in the sky, plane as day, responses. So, I became crippled with fear. Fear that, in trying to please God, I could somehow make a choice so, "out of the will of God's plan for my life", that He would just become silent for the rest of my life, and point an "I told you so" finger in my face. But, that's not the heart of a loving Father. That's not the heart of Jesus. Romans 5 tells us that while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us. That means, He died for me before I was even looking His way. Before my heart was ever stirred to the truth of His unconditional love, He made a way for me to enter into His righteousness and perfect love.

Around the same time of trying to figure out what my next step would be, I had began to form awesome friendships with the incoming freshman in my campus ministry, I had just started started to "get to know" Khory, and I was asked to lead worship for the youth group at my church.

I remember meeting with my campus minister, Kane Miller, and telling him that I had no idea where God was leading me. And I remember him telling me that the reality was that all my options were good ones, and that God would honor them so long as I was seeking to glorify Him in each of them. WAIT.....WHAT?? You mean...I have the freedom to choose? The realization of such freedom, which could've made the situation easier, served to cripple me in fear even further.

I thought, "wow... now I have to choose? So, if something goes wrong..its DEFINITELY my fault. Great". This wasn't the proper perspective at all.  So I asked God to give me wisdom in making the best decision. It was approaching the time to make a decision regarding whether or not I would stay in Tallahassee, and I met with my campus minister again. This time, he helped to give me another perspective. He said, "I want you to intern, if you want to. If there are relationships here at CCF and things you want see God doing in your life here in Tallahassee, and you'd like to stay to see what God does, then I say, intern". Immediately when he said that, my mind went to the youth group at my church, my budding friendship with Khory, and the awesome awesome relationships I had formed, with the freshman ladies who had just entered out campus ministry. I also thought about the desire I've had all throughout college, to see a huge sweep of God's Spirit in the hearts of students on the campuses in Tallahassee. In light of all these things, without a burning-bush, I decided to accept the intern position with CCF.

A month or so after making the decision to intern, I attended the Passion Conference with my friendsand when Christine Caine delivered her message, I literally felt as if God was answering all the tears and prayers I had brought to Him from months before. I was so grateful to the Lord, for giving me assurance. 

Now looking back, I am able to smile, as I see that God was at work the ENTIRE time. Even though I felt as if He was completely silent, and ignoring me, He was at work. Working through various circumstances to direct my path

It would be easy to tell you that, ever since then, things have been peachy-keen and I've never had any form of doubts, but I'd be lying. I've questioned my ability to be an intern, I've questioned my ability to be a lead worshiper, I've seen SOOO many of my sins and weaknesses, I've questioned whether or not Khory and I should be together, I've even questioned whether God is really hearing me (again). And the list goes on and on and on.  But through it all, the Lord has been faithful.

Last Sunday was Open Mic night at my youth group. It was a night filled with middleschoolers and highschoolers, displaying the gifts that God has given them. I cried. I cried. Because it hit me...SOO HARD! God literally has me here in Tallhassee for a purpose. I was overwhelmed with the fact that I was in a place where I could combine my passion for the Performing Arts with glorifying God and with serving the youth. I was sitting next to my favorite guy (Khory), and the next day I had "work"...aka getting to equip and encourage college students to share the good news of Jesus on campus! WOW! I was blown away. When did this all happen? How did this all happen? Only God could have perfectly ordered my steps in such a way.

Here is a video of one of my youth girls. This is Mya. Mya is delightful. She is extremely perceptive to the emotions of others, she loves Whitney Houston, she can SIIINNGG and DAAANCE!! Most importantly though, Mya has encountered the beauty of Jesus, and I literally have the privilege and honor of watching her fall more and more in love with Him.

So be encouraged!! We serve a mighty mighty mighty good God, regardless of circumstances!


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